On the Precipice of Fame, Who are the D-Bags?

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Story by Laura Benson

When I was asked to fly to Seattle to interview the up-and-coming group, The Douchebags aka The D-Bags, I couldn’t hop a flight fast enough. I was going to be the first person to interview them for a major blog and introduce the band to the masses. I must forewarn you though, these guys lay it out like truth. There is no filter with them, especially the bassist Griffin.

I’m whisked from the airport in a limo from the record company to the Westin Hotel in Seattle where they have been holed up in a suite. It’s absolutely gorgeous and I’m nervous, with sweaty palms and all. I have no idea what to expect with this band of four. Will they be cocky? Difficult to interview (I’ve had my fair share of difficult bands to interview)?

Thankfully coffee and pastries are laid out for me, but I’m really too nervous to eat, however, the coffee is a lifesaver. I sip on my coffee as I go over my interview questions. I wait about ten minutes before a woman (possible personal assistant) brings the guys into the room to me for our interview.

First off I should start off by stating how extremely attractive all the members are. They arrive in the room a bit noisy, but I’m okay with that because it relaxes me. They all take a seat on various couches and chairs, lounging like I belong here.

I get up and shake each person’s hand and introduce myself. Kellan, the lead singer and sometime guitar player is sitting alone on a chair. Evan (drums) and Matt (guitar) are on the couch and Griffin has taken the other chair opposite Kellan. Kellan is wearing jeans and a leather jacket and looking very much the rock star. Matt is wearing an Imagine Dragons t-shirt with shorts. Evan is cute in cargo shorts and a t-shirt. Griffin on the other hand is wearing extremely tight black jeans that leave little to the imagination. His t-shirt is by far the most provocative of the group. It’s has a Coca-Cola logo that reads COCK --Taste the difference. I smile at this.

I’d like to know how each of you became a D-Bag?

Kellan: Ah… I suppose I started it. I was eighteen, and hitchhiking my way through Oregon when I ran into Evan at a bar. (Laughs as he looks at Evan) He was trying to buy alcohol, but not having much luck.

Evan: (Shakes his head at Kellan) Kell comes in, winks at the waitress, and before I knew it, we had a pitcher of beer in front of us.

Kellan: We stuck together after that.

Evan: (Points at Griffin and Matt) We hooked up with these two in Los Angeles.

Griffin: We were leaving a strip club right as they were entering.

Matt: We got ‘kicked out’ of a strip club right as they were entering.

Griffin: Oh yeah…jackass bouncers. They totally overacted.

Matt: You ran up on stage with a pogo stick, grabbed a girl off the pole and tried to make her ride it.

Griffin: I am not the only dude there that wanted to see that. Trust me.

Kellan: Anyway…we started practicing together and we just meshed well. We’ve been together ever since.

Can you guys give us any indication what this album will be like? Is it hard edged or soft and romantic?

Griffin: It kicks ass. Especially the bass. (starts playing an air guitar)

Kellan: We run a fine line between hard-edged rock and romantic.

Griffin: Uh, no we don’t. None of our shit is (does air quotes) romantic. What fucking band do you belong to?

Kellan: (Ignoring him) The album is a throwback to classic rock, but yet it feels completely fresh and modern.

Matt: It’s the best of the best. All of the hits that we’ve had so far, it’s incredible…make sure you pick up a copy.

            I explain that the record company has already given me a demo copy. They seem quite pleased with that. Kellan has discarded his jacket and I notice he’s wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up. It’s hard not to keep staring.

Griffin: And crank up the bass!

            I continue rifling through my questions. I’m trying not to laugh, but it’s proving quite difficult at this point.

Now that you're signed with a label are you afraid of selling out?

Griffin: Fuck that, I sold out before I even started. You want me to hawk something for you? I’ll get a tattoo on my junk if you give me enough money.

Kellan: Maybe we should contact Parker Brothers ™ then?

Griffin: Huh?

Kellan: You know they make board games. (grins) You could get SORRY! ™ Tattooed on your johnson.  If it fits, of course.

Matt: (Snorts) It may just be SORR

Evan: Or SO

Griffin: Fuck you guys! It’ll read SORRY! Fun for the whole fucking family!

Matt: Dude, that’s so wrong on so many levels

            Um, yes, Matt, it really is.

Kellan, if you couldn't perform what do you think you'd be doing?

Kellan: Um…something with people…

Griffin: Male escort.

Kellan: No, that’s not what I was thinking.

Griffin: Prostitute? It’s legal some places.

Matt: She asked what Kellan would do…not you.

Griffin: Pffft, I wouldn’t be a prostitute.

Evan: Really? I thought that would be number one on your list.

Griffin: Nah, I would be a porn star. I want to watch that shit over and over.

Kellan: (shaking his head) Of course…why didn’t I think of that.

Griffin: (Leans toward Kellan) You want to be a porn star too? We could do a double act, just don’t touch The Hulk, it’s only for the ladies.

Kellan: (turns to Evan) I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. (Turns to back to me) I’d probably just work in a bar. And I would never, ever let Griffin drink there.

Griffin: Dude? What the fuck? I offer you a three way and you won’t serve me? Where’s the fucking love?

Kellan: Yep, definitely threw up a little bit.

            I’m not sure where I lost the tone of the interview, but I need to get it back on track soon. Talk of these guys being porn stars is causing the room to warm uncomfortably.

How do you feel about having your story being told? Do you think S.C. is fairly representing you all?

Griffin: Is there a book about us? Awesome! Does it fully express how fucking hot I am?

Kellan: I think it shows the world…exactly who you are.

Griffin: Yeah, baby! My phone is gonna blow up!

Kellan: Yeah…

            Um, yeah, so…

Are you all happy where your lives and careers are heading at this point in time?

Kellan: Things are crazy. We’re all…adjusting. (Matt and Evan nod)

Griffin: (Jerks his thumb at Kellan) He’s adjusting. I’m enjoying every single fucking minute.

I know asking a personal question is taboo, but your fans want to know. Are any of you in relationships, engaged, love, etc?

Griffin: I’m free for whatever with whomever. (Writes his number on a business card then hands it to me). Don’t lose this, you’re gonna need it later. (Kisses the air in front of me.)

            I take the card and flip it over. My eyebrows shoot up as I notice exactly what the card is. I clumsily stuff it into my pocket.

Matt: Dude, did you just give her your phone number on a business card from Bump and Grind Maternity?

Griffin: Yeah, their stuff is hot! I picked up something for Anna. It’s crotchless.

Matt: I…did not need to know that.

Griffin: Ha, I love that store. Their logo is Bang Like Bunnies, Cause You Can’t Knock Her Up Twice

Kellan: That’s not actually true. Some girls can get pregnant twice.

Griffin: What? Are you fucking with me?

Kellan: No…it’s possible.

Griffin: Shut the fuck up. That’s not funny.

Kellan: (Shares a smile with Matt) Just keeping you informed. Knowledge is power.

            I sigh uncomfortably. I check my watch and realize that I need to get this wrapped up soon.

Were you able to vote in this year's election?

Griffin: Yes, I voted for the chick with big boobs.

Kellan: She’s talking about the presidential election, not Dancing with the Stars…jack ass.

Griffin: Oh…were there any boobs on the ballot?

Matt: Oh God…this is exactly why they should give you an IQ test before you’re allowed to vote.

            You’ll notice they all evaded the question. As for boobs on the ballot, well that’s individual preferences. Although, knowing that Griffin likes to watch Dancing with the Stars is an interesting tidbit.

Do you think you'll leave Seattle and move to LA or NY for your careers?

Kellan: I’m sure we’ll be bouncing around a lot. I don’t know exactly where we’ll end up though. Anything can happen, I suppose.

Griffin: I think we should move to Miami.

Evan: Miami?

Griffin: (smiles and leans in) Thongs as far as the eye can see. It’s like heaven.

Matt: Okay, you go to Miami, and we’ll stay in Seattle. (Smiles at Kellan) That does sound like heaven.

            For the women in Miami, I fear for you if Griffin is let loose there. I’m just sayin’.

            I'm afraid to ask the next question and debate whether I should skip it. I decide to go all in and ask.

Are you guys in it for the music or the girls?

Kellan, Matt, Evan: (all answer at the same time) The music.

Griffin: The poon-tang (All the guys turn to look at him) What? I’m just being honest. (Points his finger at all of them) You should give it a try some time.

Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me and answer my questions. I definitely think people will get a clear picture of what type of band you are…

Kellan: Thanks for having us, we really appreciate it…and, I always seem to end my interviews this way, but, I apologize for anything and everything Griffin said.

Griffin: What you should be apologizing for is everything you said. Bor…ing.

Kellan: (with a tight smile) We hope you can make it to the show tonight. And, if you hear about any bassists looking for a new band, let me know. We may have an opening soon.

            I gather all my materials together and stuff everything into my bag. As I head to the door, I decide to ask one more question.

I have one special question Griffin: Will you sign my boob? I need a tattoo there. :) (I ask with a sly smile on my lips.)

Griffin: Baby, I’ll sign anywhere you want me to. The only question is which pen do you want me to pull out?

Kellan: Griff, you’re the classiest dude I know.

Griffin: (Sniffs, raises his chin) Thanks. For a pussy-whipped pansy, you’re not so bad yourself.

            I’m rushing out of the room before I could let Griffin pull out his ‘pen’. This had to have been the weirdest interview in the history of rock band interviews. But these guys are on the precipice of huge fame and for what it’s worth, they all seemed fairly down to earth.

            As I go over my notes and re-listen to the interview question, the one thing I get about this group is that they are very much connected to the music and each other. They are destined for big things.

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